3.5.10

More Ranting... You seem to be good inspiration.

And now we're each dealing in our own ways.
You with your cheating and me with my prayers.
I've found love that's better than any we ever had.
I look up and I know...I know I'm safe.
Because I no longer put my life into you.
I put my life into Him.

If I had read that myself I would have rolled my eyes.
I used to.
But after nights of lying on the floor
Crying until my body could no longer handle it
and forced itself to sleep,
Days full of emptiness,
Weeks of rage and anger,
I realized that I really need something better.
Someone more reliable.

You have a new girl,
I hope you're doing better.
I honestly do.
I prayed for you the other night.
It was anger, then tears,
then pounding the floor asking what the hell happened anyway..

I don't have a way with words right now..
It's just me saying how I feel.
I'm not bitter anymore.
I let you go.
You let me go.
We had to.

All I am now is inspiration for sad songs,
ya know.. the ones you'll be singing for the rest of your life.
I'll be in your mind.
And you'll be in mine.. but as someone wise said,
you're in my mind but you're not in my heart anymore
It's not yours and it never will be.

You took something from me.
Made promises you meant to keep.
It's ok, i made promises too.
I guess it's all to hell now.

My wish for you that you can find someone
Someone you don't have to actively control
Someone who blindly believes your ideas
Someone who will do what you want and never think for herself
Someone who doesn't mind if they never see their friends again.
Someone who needs your approval for everything
Someone without a brain
Someone who does exactly what you want

You are that guy
You're the guy that loved me for what I could do for you.
If you had truly loved me,
You never would have asked me to do those things
You never would have hurt me like you did.
You would have understood me needing to have friends.
You asshole.

Congratulations anyway.
You've now joined the club no one wants to be a part of.

Go tell them I was just young and didn't know any better
Tell them I was evil and 'put my friends over you'

Remember this,
I tried my hardest.
I never gave up.
I was tired of being controlled.
And you wronged me.
I wronged you.
I'm sorry.
I've forgiven you for things you don't even know you did.

I haven't heard your voice in three months.
It's fucked up.
You erased yourself completely.
It's like I tried everything I could.
and all i have left is an empty jewelry box with your key,
your letter, your bullshit.

I was never the one you couldn't trust.

Pick up all those pictures of us.
And remember that we loved each other.
I was worth trusting.
You threw me in the trash.

I will never be called a bitch again.

You never could be alone.
We were just two lonely people
with meaningless words between us
trying to figure out how to make this life pass.
You just can't seem to know what it means to be alone.
How's that rebound working for you?
Did she love like I did?
Did she smile at you like I did?
You don't even look at each other.
It means nothing.

9.3.10

Aretha had it all figured out..

I will never cut my hair for a man again.

I will never allow him to make my decisions.

I will never allow him to tell me what to do.

I will never allow him to tell me what to believe.

I will never allow him to shut me off from anyone.

I gave love, honor, respect and received evil.
I was not perfect. But I was caring.
He needed perfect. Too damn bad.

I am not and will never bend to a man's will again.

Today I am a new woman with new strengths.
I will love like no one ever has.
I will show honesty and kindness to all.
I will be loved for who I am,
not for the person you turned me into.
I am me. Not anyone else.
I am a person who has hopes and dreams,
and you will not take them away from me.

I will be respected from this day forward.

23.2.10

Rants of all colors and sizes

Fuck this 'heartbreak' shit.
If you want love,
Prepare your heart.
Because love is a bitch that rips you up and breaks you down.
Get ready.
It's on it's way and it's gonna have a beautiful face.
With smart eyes that peel back your shell,
Black hair that burns in your mind.
And you'll fall head over heels.

And years later you'll realize...
Shit...I'm not ready for this.
And when you feel that,
Run...run hard
because love will eat you up.

It'll break your heart.
In an ice rink when you see he's cheating
In his car in front of Panera (even though you wanted him back)
And on the phone. twice.

Don't tell me you cared.
I already know that.
Show me what it really meant.

Don't fuck with me now.
I'm ready
And I'll kick your ass if you even try to control me
I'm on a rampage and I'm not releasing this until you do.

I loved you and didn't know how to show it.
I've been lied to, controlled, beaten and other things
And I've done them to. Especially to you.

And I broke you.
And you in turn broke me.

Congrats... now we're both fucked.

25.1.10

Confession

I have unfinished business with 10 people.
Here we come, honesty train wreck.

Every so often you need to take a day
And be blunt with everyone you've fucked over.
It'll make life a hell of a lot simpler.
Tell them I'm sorry and quit regretting your life.

Honesty day...
Begins tomorrow.
Blame it on the fact that I still get irritated with you.

Go Rhett Butler

You are not your fucking khakis.

It's always that last look that is important.
Right before you look away
and realize you won't see him for a while.
Touch is easily forgotten
But when his eyes burn in your mind
... insomnia begins

A little twisted it may be.
A little unconventional.
Meh, who gives a shit anyway
We're all too high to notice.

He followed me back
And sat in my room
Watched me sleep
Turned each corner with me
Held my hand.
At least I wished he did.

Sleep was the only way to fully see him
And it was now impossible.

His eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world.
Deep pools that both calm and alert you,
make you curse your life for days.

But now, quite frankly, I don't give a damn.
Kinda.

19.1.10

Uneasy

It's a bitch to not know where you stand
with about 5 people.

Patterns fade to gray
as the kaleidoscope melts in our laps
It wasn't beautiful after all.
Books about love and all it has to offer
only pinpoint those small significant moments
that make life worth living.
Everything else is shit.

I learned something from someone very dear to me:

Don't you get it already?
You aren't your mom
You aren't your books
You're.. you
A mess with no direction,
falling apart when you hear reminders of the past,
A gentle hurricane with no fear but heart like a child.
Don't lose that. Forget perfection and all of it's lies
Be a mess. Be a nasty bitch sometimes.
It is what it is.
When you find who you are, things heal.
But until then, fall apart.
Life isn't tomorrows.
It's the day after yesterday and you're stuck in it

Love her, love him
and when it's gone, remember it for what it was.
It's the hardest pill to swallow, but best you'll ever take
Give it time.
Time doesn't heal all,
It just makes it easier to forget the past.

Yeah, I still love people who have forgotten me.
And that's ok. It's ok to find love somewhere else.
It's ok to still be broken and falling apart
Just remember who you are in this moment.



11.11.09

A Ghost I'm Trying to Forget

I no longer think of your voice or your kiss
but when i am kissed i only see your face
and i don't want to.
I see not the face of my lover, but of a ghost.
One who broke me completely,
but who is now a ghost.
Where are you?
In the cool crisp winds of Michigan?
I miss you and I don't know why.
That final night where you would not look at me hardly.
It rings in my mind and keeps me awake at night.
You are still here.
And I see you everywhere and you just won't leave