La Rue Est Difficile... Mais Je Ne Pas Peur!

I am not afraid. This is not that day.

You took from me.

You took my friends, family, and me.

For 2 years you did.

I can't believe you had that much time.

But now I'm back

I'm here and strong.

I am standing on my own two feet

Which is more than you can say for yourself.

Good luck being 30 and still alone.

He was right: you'd make a great man-whore.

Looks like you've made him proud.

Good job fucking everyone over.

Now you stand alone.

And you have to deal with what you've done.

All I remember of you is when you manipulated me.

Is that what you wanted?

Passion.

Where did it go?

Where is the young one who held me so gingerly?

Where are the heartfelt moments which I hold so dear?

Where are you passion?

I desperately need you.

Control. written June 8, 2010

Never ever fall in love with a liar.

Never fall in love with a cheater.

Never fall in love with that guy.

He's not who you think he is,

and in no time at all you see the controlling side.

And all you do now is get angry.

Get it out.

Let it out.

Scream and cry and bang and throw.

And never fall in love with anyone like that again.

Especially when he runs through women with the lustful eyes.

Never fall in love with a cheater.

Never ever ever fall in love with that guy.

He will control.

And he will use pain for his lyrics.

Instead of really thinking it through.

Because I guarantee, by the time you're done processing,

He's already had at least one woman. maybe 2 or 3.

Go ahead. Tell him he was right. Tell him force is needed.

Teach him lies. Teach him 'whatever makes him happy'

Because in the end, he will do what makes him happy.

No matter what it takes. And no matter who it hurts.

There's no jealousy, I'd never want to end up that way.

There's no want, I'd never want to end up so crushed again.

There's no feeling.

To be honest with you, It's just anger.

And it'll pass.

Maybe I'm some crazy bitch who is 'too young to get it'

But I'll grow up.

You? You'll never stop controlling.

30 more minutes with my friends please?

No. It's over.

You? You'll never stop yelling.

Bitch you nasty bitch. fuck you. fuck you.

You? You'll never let go.

I'll get over it. But you can't.

Your mind won't let you anymore.

How many more will it take to realize that it isn't the women.

They aren't completely the problem.

I'll get over it. But you, you can't.

'but i already am' you say.

When's the last time you stayed single for more than 2 months?

You can't handle it.

His Joy Dances On His Lips

Tonight freedom really hit me.

I let my heart realize finally that no matter the wrongs I've felt,

I still have a lot of living to do.

Here's another round to a life full of laughter and hope.

While he's checking to see if there's anything written here...

I hope he knows he's on my mind.

I hope he knows that when he comes back.. my heart is here.

I hope he knows that I love him so very much.

Yes. I love him.

Something I was desperately afraid of is now a freedom.

him. with his long hair and deep blues.

He is worth smiling about.

He's worth fighting for...wanna know why?

Because he believes I'm worth fighting for.

He's got heart. and spunk.

He's a feisty one and I love it.

Don't tell him I said this...

but when I rise,

I hope that I can see his face this day.

For he is gentle.

His eyes are calming.

He speaks of joy and love always.

He makes me smile without trying.

without trying.

No lies. no manipulation.

Love. which transcends all.

Love truly is magic in every sense of the word.

It's strength on a difficult day.

It's peace during war.

Love is patient... like his heart.

His love is pure.

I couldn't ask for a better man.

I couldn't ask for a better heart.

I couldn't ask for a gentler touch.

He is my man.

And he is worth fighting for.

Familiarity

Life is much better

once you realize that home

is exactly where you belong

and exactly where you want to be.

little one

You kissed me.

And it was breath-taking.

I never wanna come up for air again.

I think I'll rest by you now.

You're one I actually trust.

And It's beautiful.

More Ranting... You seem to be good inspiration.

And now we're each dealing in our own ways.

You with your cheating and me with my prayers.

I've found love that's better than any we ever had.

I look up and I know...I know I'm safe.

Because I no longer put my life into you.

I put my life into Him.

If I had read that myself I would have rolled my eyes.

I used to.

But after nights of lying on the floor

Crying until my body could no longer handle it

and forced itself to sleep,

Days full of emptiness,

Weeks of rage and anger,

I realized that I really need something better.

Someone more reliable.

You have a new girl,

I hope you're doing better.

I honestly do.

I prayed for you the other night.

It was anger, then tears,

then pounding the floor asking what the hell happened anyway..

I don't have a way with words right now..

It's just me saying how I feel.

I'm not bitter anymore.

I let you go.

You let me go.

We had to.

All I am now is inspiration for sad songs,

ya know.. the ones you'll be singing for the rest of your life.

I'll be in your mind.

And you'll be in mine.. but as someone wise said,

you're in my mind but you're not in my heart anymore

It's not yours and it never will be.

You took something from me.

Made promises you meant to keep.

It's ok, i made promises too.

I guess it's all to hell now.

My wish for you that you can find someone

Someone you don't have to actively control

Someone who blindly believes your ideas

Someone who will do what you want and never think for herself

Someone who doesn't mind if they never see their friends again.

Someone who needs your approval for everything

Someone without a brain

Someone who does exactly what you want

You are that guy

You're the guy that loved me for what I could do for you.

If you had truly loved me,

You never would have asked me to do those things

You never would have hurt me like you did.

You would have understood me needing to have friends.

You asshole.

Congratulations anyway.

You've now joined the club no one wants to be a part of.

Go tell them I was just young and didn't know any better

Tell them I was evil and 'put my friends over you'

Remember this,

I tried my hardest.

I never gave up.

I was tired of being controlled.

And you wronged me.

I wronged you.

I'm sorry.

I've forgiven you for things you don't even know you did.

I haven't heard your voice in three months.

It's fucked up.

You erased yourself completely.

It's like I tried everything I could.

and all i have left is an empty jewelry box with your key,

your letter, your bullshit.

I was never the one you couldn't trust.

Pick up all those pictures of us.

And remember that we loved each other.

I was worth trusting.

You threw me in the trash.

I will never be called a bitch again.

You never could be alone.

We were just two lonely people

with meaningless words between us

trying to figure out how to make this life pass.

You just can't seem to know what it means to be alone.

How's that rebound working for you?

Did she love like I did?

Did she smile at you like I did?

You don't even look at each other.

It means nothing.

Aretha had it all figured out..

I will never cut my hair for a man again.

I will never allow him to make my decisions.

I will never allow him to tell me what to do.

I will never allow him to tell me what to believe.

I will never allow him to shut me off from anyone.

I gave love, honor, respect and received evil.

I was not perfect. But I was caring.

He needed perfect. Too damn bad.

I am not and will never bend to a man's will again.

Today I am a new woman with new strengths.

I will love like no one ever has.

I will show honesty and kindness to all.

I will be loved for who I am,

not for the person you turned me into.

I am me. Not anyone else.

I am a person who has hopes and dreams,

and you will not take them away from me.

I will be respected from this day forward.

Rants of all colors and sizes

Fuck this 'heartbreak' shit.

If you want love,

Prepare your heart.

Because love is a bitch that rips you up and breaks you down.

Get ready.

It's on it's way and it's gonna have a beautiful face.

With smart eyes that peel back your shell,

Black hair that burns in your mind.

And you'll fall head over heels.

And years later you'll realize...

Shit...I'm not ready for this.

And when you feel that,

Run...run hard

because love will eat you up.

It'll break your heart.

In an ice rink when you see he's cheating

In his car in front of Panera (even though you wanted him back)

And on the phone. twice.

Don't tell me you cared.

I already know that.

Show me what it really meant.

Don't fuck with me now.

I'm ready

And I'll kick your ass if you even try to control me

I'm on a rampage and I'm not releasing this until you do.

I loved you and didn't know how to show it.

I've been lied to, controlled, beaten and other things

And I've done them to. Especially to you.

And I broke you.

And you in turn broke me.

Congrats... now we're both fucked.

Confession

I have unfinished business with 10 people.

Here we come, honesty train wreck.

Every so often you need to take a day

And be blunt with everyone you've fucked over.

It'll make life a hell of a lot simpler.

Tell them I'm sorry and quit regretting your life.

Honesty day...

Begins tomorrow.

Blame it on the fact that I still get irritated with you.

Go Rhett Butler

You are not your fucking khakis.

It's always that last look that is important.

Right before you look away

and realize you won't see him for a while.

Touch is easily forgotten

But when his eyes burn in your mind

... insomnia begins

A little twisted it may be.

A little unconventional.

Meh, who gives a shit anyway

We're all too high to notice.

He followed me back

And sat in my room

Watched me sleep

Turned each corner with me

Held my hand.

At least I wished he did.

Sleep was the only way to fully see him

And it was now impossible.

His eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world.

Deep pools that both calm and alert you,

make you curse your life for days.

But now, quite frankly, I don't give a damn.

Kinda.

Uneasy

It's a bitch to not know where you stand

with about 5 people.

Patterns fade to gray

as the kaleidoscope melts in our laps

It wasn't beautiful after all.

Books about love and all it has to offer

only pinpoint those small significant moments

that make life worth living.

Everything else is shit.

I learned something from someone very dear to me:

Don't you get it already?

You aren't your mom

You aren't your books

You're.. you

A mess with no direction,

falling apart when you hear reminders of the past,

A gentle hurricane with no fear but heart like a child.

Don't lose that. Forget perfection and all of it's lies

Be a mess. Be a nasty bitch sometimes.

It is what it is.

When you find who you are, things heal.

But until then, fall apart.

Life isn't tomorrows.

It's the day after yesterday and you're stuck in it

Love her, love him

and when it's gone, remember it for what it was.

It's the hardest pill to swallow, but best you'll ever take

Give it time.

Time doesn't heal all,

It just makes it easier to forget the past.

Yeah, I still love people who have forgotten me.

And that's ok. It's ok to find love somewhere else.

It's ok to still be broken and falling apart

Just remember who you are in this moment.

A Ghost I'm Trying to Forget

I no longer think of your voice or your kiss

but when i am kissed i only see your face

and i don't want to.

I see not the face of my lover, but of a ghost.

One who broke me completely,

but who is now a ghost.

Where are you?

In the cool crisp winds of Michigan?

I miss you and I don't know why.

That final night where you would not look at me hardly.

It rings in my mind and keeps me awake at night.

You are still here.

And I see you everywhere and you just won't leave

A Final Parting to an Unfulfilled Dream.

I woke up screaming your name last night.
And I don't know why.

But to say my final peace,
because for some reason my dreams
refuse to think i have,

I loved you,
we fucked it up,
i'm sorry it had to be that way.

Good luck up there,
just don't forget who you are.

Now I finally understand The Princess Bride

A deeper pang still sits.
But it's all of a sudden feeling better.
A song is renewed
And i feel young again.
I've never seen stars until now.
Sure they existed but life hadn't yet.
Now they're like a gentle reminder
every 2 seconds
that you exist.
And i exist with you.
I see things with new eyes.
My heart jumps at the mention of your name.
My eyes lost until they find yours.
And it's so nice.
Because when mine meet yours,
your gently smiling right back
and i'm home.
I'm very much home.

It's like not coming up for air...and not minding one bit

So calm and so natural
Gentle flow of your hands on my waist
Feeling the wind as it blows my hair from root to tip
Slight pressure on the small of my back
A gentle whisper
Small laughter and a bashful face
I feel a squeeze on my hand from yours
And there we are...
hand in hand, perfectly knit.
Just like we'd been like this for years
Me in my silk and you in your tie
Everything so smooth and nonchalant.
Breathe in and out
And feel the evening fly by.
Touch, baby, and never let go

Reality Shmeality

Finally in a long chain of events
It's chilly.
I felt the harsh pang of wind
Hit my face this morning.
But it didn't hurt so bad.
I actually welcomed it
because it gave me some memories.
Looking at my new home i wonder
Is this all i'll ever know?
A place with boxes and
the hum of appliances.
No, no, no, i remember,
there's something different out there
and i'm so ready to feel it.
No more boxes, no more monotony,
just a room with candles, roses, and tea.
A breakfast nook with gentle sounds of a piano
Oh and no regrets in my past,
Just a strong arm around my waist
Holding me close as the sharp air hits my face
And reminding me that oh, my love,
no harm will befall you as long as you
pull in tight and feel the gentle kiss
of my lips on your forehead.
And I've tried to convince myself that
he's right...
but i know that those are just fantasies.
But dreamers never listen to those
who condemn.
Because those who condemn are just cynical
liars who think they've figured it all out.
They just don't know what to do now that
they let their dream die.
Oh but i appreciate it.
It's simple and sweet.
So i let those stupid reality checks
Fly away just for a minute or two
and I pull in, feel a kiss, and let the
smile curl back on my lips.

Waking Thoughts

Sometimes when I smell the morning
I can feel you riding on it.
When I hear your favorite song
I listen and close my eyes and remember
And it's happy.

A shake of the hand and a pleasant farewell
In knowing I'll see you soon.
Wishing you the absolute best
In a room full of hope

Oranges And Pink Roses Make Sense

And he woke up thinking today was going to be the same
Dull without a feeling or hint of orange
The same shoes, one of the same 3 suits,
same shave, same time leaving...
He thought this was what he wanted,
To be out in the world
And away from the smiles of children and their air.
He wasn't too good for them, he just never knew how
to say goodbye.

Years later, on his way to a job he was indifferent about,
with people he was indifferent about, knowing later he would
walk 2 blocks to the same old bar with the same people
and their problems that they'd never really try
to change.
As he began to reminisce about his old school days
a small hint of orange caught his nose
and brought him back.
It was the smell of the woman's hair in front of him.
For once he looked around and noticed flowers
that had been right beside him year after year
as he walked with a sort of gray purpose.

Dew on the satin pink and a little bit of sharp
green that prodded up against the bloom
were finally interesting to him. All these years
he had ignored everything except numbers,
facts, and cleanliness. Then this...

A jolt of the woman's body
caught his attention.
Her hair was vibrant and curled
her back was small yet strong
He just wanted to see the face
of the woman whose back had caught him.

She stepped away onto the train
and without a thought he followed her.
Yet he wanted to seem cunning
and adult, so he refused to talk about
meaningless nothings that would make
her laugh.
But his pride got the best of him.
He said nothing but sat behind her
and sought to see her face.
She left at her stop and he
wanted to so badly to chase after her and see her
but his pride got the best of him.
He and his pride kept him from loving for years.

That winter as he was once again walking
He looked over and saw a man holding
a candle to keep warm.
Then it grabbed his nose again.
Orange, sweet orange...
And there she was.
He could not forget that same
hair and gentle curve of her back.
He finally had spent enough nights alone
To be brave enough to say hello.
He touched her soft skin
And as she turned with tears in her eyes
She fell on him.
She had lost her husband 3 years ago that day.

And he accepted her.
With all of her baggage
all of her issues
her laughter
her tears
her torn love.
And the rest is history.

Red Red Red runs down my back

Clouded with thunder and lightning
Red eyes with a flash of painful color
Eat out your heart you filthy whores
Tonight is your night.
Make it last cuz it's all you have left.
Envy is a horrible thing isn't it?
Too bad the world is entirely green.
You mock a call for help
As you want to hurt all of those in sight
You want pain don't you?
All of this is a wasteland full of drought and fire
It's not done yet,
The boils pain us more and more
The diseases rot our flesh
Bring the twists and pangs of night
I can handle it
It's not like i've never done this before.
Bring your scalpel and use your words
use them to bring me down.
But i'll fight against the arrogant tone
I'll run up and shoot my arrows.
I'll sprint through the painstakingly long course
And I'll do this
I know I will.
Watch me because I can.
Beating my fists into your chest
With angry tears down my face
I am not pathetic.
I never will be
My tears are in hurt and frustration.
You don't care I know you don't
Congrats friend, you've won.
You've finally pushed me
completely out of your life.
I certainly hope this is what you wanted.
Because the price I pay is high
And I'm beginning to turn
An angry eye towards the mention
of your name.